Shopping Guide for the Tennis Stalker, Er, Fan

There are a lot of sick people out there on the internet, and a good majority of them happen to also be tennis fans. Not only do they post semi-nude pics of their favorite players, stalk them on the twitter, and know far too much about their coaches/family/significant-others, but they also sell crap to other like-minded folks. I don’t really know what’s more pathetic, the people who make the following items and sell them on ebay, or the people who buy them. The following is a handy guide for your shopping (guilty) pleasure:

For the Federer fan:

“Federer is Betterer than Chocolate” t-shirt

The play on Swiss chocolate and the fact that Fed is Swiss I can deal with, but the improper grammar I cannot.

This was described as a “pub bar beer light sign”

All I can picture is some lonely bar on the Swiss Alps that only serves Ricola flavored cocktails and fondue.

Roger Federer earrings

Since these have Fed’s official logo on them, is it safe to assume Fed ok’ed these things himself? Were they Anna Wintour’s idea? Would Mirka wear them?

Roger Federer pillowcases

These are perfect for the fan who never wants to be seen naked by another human being ever ever again. I mean really, is a shirtless picture necessary for a pillowcase??!! Does it come with faux chest fur for a more realistic sleeping experience?

For the Berdych fan:

Tomas Berdych mousepad

The problem with listing Tomas’ accomplishments is that it is already out of date. Are you supposed to get a new one every year? Also, is getting to the 4th round of a slam really an accomplishment that a TBerd fan wants to relive over every time they use their mouse?

For the Murray fan:

“Andy Murray is My Homeboy” t-shirt

I’m not a particular fan of Muzz, but I would totally rock this. I could also picture hipsters with Justin Bieber hair wearing this ironically. Still, major bonus points for underlining the “my” for extra emphasis.

For the Rafa fan:

Rafael Nadal fashion handbags

“B” and “C” look a little too lunch boxy, but “A” would totally be fashionable with the Ed Hardy-lovin crowd.

For the Roddick fan:

Andy Roddick bobble head

I would want one of these on hand for whenever I watch one of Rod’s matches, so when I yell at the screen, I can at least pretend that he can hear me and he’s listening. “Why are you being passive?” “No, not the serve down the T! Even I know you’re going to serve it there!”



Andy Roddick Key Chain

I don’t get the picture. Is he going swimming, playing tennis, both? You are right key chain, I don’t understand!!! Also, I hadn’t quite realized just how bald Andy has gotten till I saw this. Wow, dude, you have money, join the Hair Club for men or something. 

For the Verdasco fan:



“got Verdasco?” t-shirt

You know, if that shirt came with the knockers, who are we kidding, I would totally wear it.

You can actually get this shirt for any player in the top 10 or so, but it seems most appropriate for Fer fans…don’t ask me why. What I find most amusing though is the stash of cleaning supplies on the right. Does cheering for Fer brings on a strange urge for Clorox wipes?

Oh, and feel free to buy me any of these items. It’s the holidays and I like gifts, though if you buy me that pillowcase, we will no longer be on speaking terms.